Black Box Warning Relationships
There’s no such thing as a completely safe drug. Admittedly some are safer than others. And, for those drugs offering the greatest benefit, we are more willing to overlook side effects – even serious, irreversible ones (think antipsychotics and tardive dyskinesia).
As a non-compliant guest blogger, I am going to switch things up a bit and draw an analogy between bad drugs and bad relationships. They both share an important characteristic: the risk of long-term use of either far outweighs any potential benefit. The problem, however, is that one often is unaware of just how crappy he or she feels as a result of repeatedly ingesting a black box warning drug or relationship. It becomes a way of life. You may be mindlessly following “doctor’s orders” and hoping that doing the same thing over and over will eventually lead to a different result (a cup of insanity, anyone?). You’ve unwittingly become the frog in the crock pot – getting slowly cooked alive without even realizing it.
So, my dear tadpoles, if you fear you may be in (or headed fo) a black box relationship, take some time to reflect – do the benefits really outweigh the risks?
First, why would someone stay in black box warning relationship? A number of possibilities spring to mind:
- Low self-esteem (or “I’m so unlovable this is the only other person on the planet who’ll put up with my shit”)
- Fear of being alone (closely related to the point above)
- Fear of change (better the devil you know…)
- Economic dependency (do you really need that much to survive?)
- Social pressure (who cares what the neighbors will think?)
I’m sure there are many more reasons for inflicting oneself with a black box warning relationship but… there is hope! You can step away and push through the withdrawal symptoms by taking one or more of the following steps:
- Build a relationship with yourself. Yes, that’s right. Treat yourself well. Take yourself out on a date. I’m not kidding!
- Spend time with people who build you up instead of tear you down. Yes, you know who they are – and don’t let your discomfort with their compliments drive you back to the familiar comfort of getting kicked in the stomach.
- Set boundaries. Say no. Mean it (or fake it til you make it).
- Own your own shit. Look at the repeated patterns of failures in your life and resolve to break the cycle once and for all.
Simply crawling out of the crock pot will do no good if you just hang out on the ledge poised to fall back in at a moment’s notice. Remember, that black box relationship/drug is merely masking a symptom, not addressing the root cause of what’s ailing you. In order to move on:
- Dig out, not over. Familiarity is comfortable; don’t fall into the same kind of black box relationship (or generic alternative) you just extricated yourself from!
- Take the time to perform some preventative maintenance. Pamper yourself with healthy choices. Get a massage. Do some yoga. Meditate.
- If you do start a new relationship, and it’s a good one, remember to nurture it. It won’t thrive on its own.
- Stay the course. If you wobble off course now and then, it’s ok. It’s easy to make minor course corrections along the way. It’s hard to pick yourself up and start all over again after arriving at the wrong destination.
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5 Comments on “Black Box Warning Relationships”
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Interesting analogy – I think the challenge with this is figuring out what medications are “bad drugs” for any given individual. At what point does one draw the line and determine that the long-term risks outweigh the benefits?
It’s pretty easy if nasty side effects show up right away and don’t go away. But some side effects are harder to detect and can take longer to show up, like metabolic syndrome with most atypical antipsychotics. It’s much like another issue with medication – how do you know it’s working well enough? Something that makes depression improve seems like a godsend, but someone who’s been depressed for a long time usually has a skewed perception of what “good enough” is in terms of reduction of symptoms.
Good stuff, Tam! Especially because people don’t come with black box warnings, so it’s up to us to make sure we don’t succumb to the adverse events!
I’ve also found that “just say no” doesn’t always work. People are ready for that. Try “That’s unacceptable.” It makes you sound smarter and the ones waiting to hit you with all the reasons you should say yes when you say no are flummoxed and stopped in their tracks. A lot of them have to head for a dictionary to see exactly what “unacceptable” means. Then they have to figure out all the reasons you would find something acceptable. By that time you’ve walked away smiling and feeling very powerful;-)
Excellent advice–healing, too:)