To Pill or Not To Pill?
First, thank you Le Clown, for having me here on your site today!
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Over the last three months, I’ve been in therapy to deal with the aftermath of a lifetime of abuse. As my therapy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious. I want to go less and less. Therapy is full of tears and pain. Discussing my past is akin to reliving those very moments that I locked away for the reason that they were entirely too painful to endure.
With each brick I rip out of my wall, more pain, anger, fear and sadness seep through. I’m beginning to feel very anxious. My heart races each time I approach the door to see my counselor. I break out in a sweat and figuratively armor myself to withstand whatever is going to be thrown my way. There are times, when I am alone, and I think through my past that I’ve broken down in tears so painful, so gut-wrenching, I felt as if I was being split in half. These were the kind of tears that make you feel like you’re going to explode or be shut off like a light.
I fear that as I continue down this path of change, growth and introspection that I am going to hit that one brick that as soon as I rip it out of my wall, that the full impact of 39 years of abuse is going to shatter the rest of it. No more dribs and drabs of pain and anger that may hurt but can be processed, but rather like a boiler with no steam release valve, I am going to explode.
Enter happy pills.
At my last session, my counselor advised me to get a prescription for anti-depressants. Her rationale is sound. The more my anxiety rises as we make progress, the more I’ll resist the harder, deeper analysis that is needed for me to fully heal.
I initially rejected the idea. I’ve always maintained the stance that I didn’t want false peace, I wanted to feel better because I sincerely felt better and not because happy pills messed with my brain chemistry. As an epileptic, I already take pills that stabilize my mood and my brain chemistry to prevent seizures, but these don’t go as far as anti-depressants do.
But … I am seriously scared as hell to go to counseling after the last session had me snotting all over myself and my counselor saying, “When my clients are about to hyperventilate it’s time to stop and take a break.”
So, to pill or not to pill? I haven’t decided yet. Where’s Hamlet when you need him?
27 Comments on “To Pill or Not To Pill?”
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Making this decision is so very personal. But taking the pills doesn’t necessarily mean always taking the pills. Perhaps you will need the help from time to time so that you can heal. But this decision isn’t an either/or choice. It’s not necessarily a now/later question, either. In my mind, it is a will meds help me get through now?
Good luck!
That’s a very good point, Elyse, and one that I’ll keep in mind as I ponder this.
Thank you
The drugs helped me, short term, through a very rough patch. They didn’t make my problems go away, but it honestly felt like the weight was lighter. And that made all the difference.
My heart goes out to you. The thing that sucks about therapy is that it’s generally not effective without the experience of varying levels of pain. You obviously got the mega-horrible-worst-of-it pain, and you should be so proud of yourself for even making it this far.
Obviously I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I wonder if an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety medication) might be a better choice. You don’t have to “go on it”, per see, for example I have Xanax that I take only when full-blown panic takes over.
It’s only a thought, but perhaps it could get you through without you having to go on an every day, full time med.
Whatever your choice, I send you my heart.
*per se
Thank you. I’ll add that to the list of options. Generally, I’m a tough it out kind of girl so I have a feeling I’ll probably skip the pills, but I’m not rushing to judgement or decision on this one. It’s an important decision.
Taking Zoloft has changes my life–for the better. I wouldn’t hesitate . . . take care my friend, and I hope that in time you find the peace you deserve. The first part of healing is incredibly painful and frightening but it *does* get easier. That I promise.
Thank you. I am ever hopeful.
Man, some people need to renovate their emotional lives, and some people need to call in the bulldozers and rebuild from scratch. I’m on pills that I’d rather not be, but as someone so eloquently said once, sometimes they’re useful until the heavy lifting is done. The think about anxiety and depression is it can make it so we don’t leave the house, thereby making therapy useless. Not saying this will happen, just saying that sometimes you need to weigh the options (as it seems you’re doing). And like Elyse said, no decisions are permanent. If you do try the drugs, and don’t like them, you can go off. Or when you have gotten your feet back under you, you can leave them behind.
What you’re doing is courageous. Facing your past, your pain, is scary and agonizing and exhausting (I’m only guessing here…), but you will survive it (not guessing). You deserve a lot of credit for making these choices and doing this work. I think you should get cake.
Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. I have faith in the process and you are right that it can be a double edged sword when you don’t take the pills and find yourself unable to do what needs to be done.
All the best!
Whatever you decide, I think your courage and your willingness to simultaneously expose and examine yourself is a huge and positive factor contributing to your transition. I know it was/is for me. Congratulations! You continue to move forward!
Thank you so much
Therapy is a double-edged sword in that the same thing used to heal you can also make you feel more pain than you’ve ever felt. Kudos to you for pushing through to this point.
Ruby took the advice right out of my mouth. Perhaps start with someone like Xanax, and then if you feel you need something more consistent, get a prescription for a medication with a regular dosage.
As someone who pulled out her own bricks, I could totally relate to that fear you spoke of. What I didn’t expect was that when several bricks came tumbling down at once, I felt FREE. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you. I refuse to let fear dominate my life any longer. I gotta tell you though. I’m going to be withing for free when this wall comes down.
All the best!
You’re right, Xanax could be a great way to start because it acts instantly, it doesn’t need to build on itself for weeks to see a result. It just isn’t a long term solution. For the short term, it could be great though!
Hang in there. No progress without some pain?
You are wise to be cautious with additional medications – body chemistry is tricky and there are trade offs when using any meds.
No absolute “correct” answer. Do what you need to do.
(you are getting sunshine and a little walking exercise, too?)
Not going to sugary quote you, sometimes just putting one foot in front of another is enough.
Hang on, kid
Wow … your words remind me of someone very dear to my heart. Thank you.
I was really concerned when I started anti-depressants that I wouldn’t “feel” anymore. I also thought that if there was a good reason to be sad, it didn’t count as depression. Finally, I realized the error of my ways. Being sad is normal, but when it drags on for months and begins to interfere with day to day life, it becomes depression CAUSED by sadness, not just sadness. Once I started depression/anxiety medication I noticed a difference. It took about a month to see the difference. I still get sad about sad thoughts, watching a sad movie, or hearing sad news, and even cry. The difference is, it no longer consumes my whole day and it doesn’t change every other aspect of my world (social life, general mood, eating, doing things I love etc…). I also am not abnormally happy everyday. The pill doesn’t make you happy, it makes your neurotransmitters work in a way that allows you to handle stress, anxiety and anything else sent your way. I still get happy about the things I always got happy about. I don’t just walk around with this sense of profound happiness. It is a hard decision, but maybe you could just give it a 2 month trial and at the end of this trial, decide if it is for you or not.
That has been a concern for me. Thank you for giving me your perspective to consider.
I believe that un-medicated brain chemistry can also KEEP people from being “truly” happy- whether from genetics, trauma (emotional or physical), substance abuse, or whatever.
I’m sure you will do what we all do; make the best decision you can, based on the information you have. Best of luck to you.
Thanks!
I am currently in a similar boat. I was put on anti depressants after having an engagement fail, a friend attempt suicide, and my father passing away over a 5 day time span. I was on them for about 4 months and decided in a therapy session that I was content and wanted to come off them. I had promised myself that it was only for short term to be on them to begin with as I too hated the idea of a false happiness. Now being off the medication for about a month and a half my therapist has strongly encouraged me to go back to my medication and that I may not be able to do a short term treatment for this. The battle of whether to or not to medicate myself to be “happy” with daily life is a tough one that I thank you for discussing here to help me think more into the idea of it.
Wow … I commend you for making it through something like that at all. What a tremendous blow to take. That you are still standing is testament to your strength. All the best, whatever you choose.
My heart goes out to you, for all that you’ve been through. The recovery and healing from abuse is almost as painful as the original abuse itself. I admire you for working so hard on this, I know how painful it is.
I agree with the other people here who suggested that maybe an anti-anxiety drug might be helpful. You only take it when you need it, it’s not a regular regimen like anti-depressants are. They’ve helped me tremendously when I thought I would die from the anxiety, it was so overwhelming. Anti-depressants work in a very different way. Maybe they could help you as well, but I’d look into the anti-anxiety drugs first. Good luck to you!!!
Thank you. Yes, if I decide to medicate it will be with an anti-anxiety pill rather than an anti-depressant. And yes, the hard part about therapy is you are reliving the pain as you let it go.
All the best.
I resisted pills/meds for so long but had to give it a try when I felt I wasn’t making progress despite years of therapy. The difference was dramatic. But, then the pills stopped working. Turns out I am bipolar and ordinary anti-depressants weren’t the answer. The thing that has made all the difference for me is a very talented psychiatrist. Please find one. Whether or not you take an anti-anxiety med or an antidepressant will be part of the psychiatrist’s consultation with you. Antidepressants can be very effective in treating anxiety, or you may just need something like Valium. It depends on your specific circumstances and your specific anxiety. So, ask around, find a good shrink and DON’T just rely on your general practitioner; they simply can’t be as familiar with all of the treatment options for psychiatric conditions. Good luck to you.
Beautiful imagery.
Stay strong.