Happiness is a Myth
I’m not suicidal, I just don’t care if I live or die. There is a certain sense of freedom when the fear of dying no longer exists. Of all the things I feel I need help with, my indifference about my own mortality is what finally sent me back to therapy. Not for my own safety, but for those around me. I may not care about hurting myself but I don’t want to hurt anyone else in the process.
I tried to kill myself a few times when I was young but I think for some reason, God (or whoever you believe to be in charge) still wants me around. I’ve had several close calls and yet I’m still here.
Anyone who knows me personally would tell you that I am not a happy person by nature. Even as a kid, I hardly remember having fun or being happy. I worried and stressed and felt miserable most of the time. I CAN be quite funny and even the life of the party if the mood strikes me (or the drugs are good) but in general, I am miserable. I prefer to be alone and even my own company repulses me at times.
I was married at 22 and started having my 3 kids at 24. My husband had several affairs, the first one before our first wedding anniversary. My self esteem took a nose dive and I don’t think it ever really recovered after that. I continuously question myself and have way too much self value tied to my outer appearance. The older I get, the harder it is to feel self worth.
My mind is a mess. I am in the process of writing 2 books and they are taking me forever because most days I can’t get my thoughts organized enough to have them make sense to myself, let alone those of you who aren’t fucking crazy. I have a lousy memory and concentrating on anything for more than a couple of minutes is next to impossible.
I wear a mask 99.9% of the time. I am confident, smart, funny and easy going. On the outside. I let you see just what I want you to see because I am terrified that if I show you my real face, you will run screaming and I will never hear from you again. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I was totally myself or who I dared to be her with. They probably aren’t around anymore. I don’t blame them. I’m ugly.
There are days when the me inside is standing on the edge of a cliff screaming, “Do you hear me?! I am losing it…I’m losing my fucking mind and nobody seems to even notice!” Other days I feel like I am drowning, in a really thick liquid and I can hardly breathe. I can’t scream for help because my mouth is full of this thick liquid and I can hardly move against it’s weight. My hand is up and out of the water, waving, but nobody sees it. Someone finally throws me a lifeline but it’s 50 feet away from me and then expect me to swim to it. I can’t. I can’t make them understand that I can’t. When they ask why I can’t, I don’t have an answer.
I can’t hold down a job for more than a year or two. I like them all at first but that always goes away. I make myself stay at least a year, even if I hate it, because less than a year looks like shit on a resumé. It gets to the point where I hate it so much that panic starts to set in and I have to try to find another job (which is tough when you’re working full time already) so that I can let the current nightmare go. I almost totally lost it at my last job. I worked two years at a pet store and one day I just couldn’t handle the animals in cages anymore and sunk to the floor and sobbed. I took hold of myself before customers wandered in and although I tried my best to put my good mask on and serve them, they both looked at me like I wasn’t quite right. I tried SO hard to look normal and they still saw through it anyways.
I love my present job and it’s been 7 months. I have my fingers crossed that it stays that way but I’m not holding my breath. People are starting to piss me off lately. That’s how it starts.
I should probably have my license removed. I speed and at times drive quite recklessly. I don’t purposely drive badly, I just really don’t care. A month or so back I had some punk in a tuned civic race me home just to yell at me about my driving. He told me to smarten the fuck up. For a moment I though about hitting him and telling him to mind his own fucking business. Instead, I sat back down in my car and cried as soon as he left.
My marriage is a see-saw, just like my emotions are. I told my husband at the end of August that I wanted to separate. I was supposed to move out in the spring. He doesn’t want me to leave. Kept crying and saying he doesn’t want to live without me. I’m staying now. Not for me, but for him. But also for me because I can’t trust myself to make a good decision and maybe he is right when he says that I won’t be happy with anyone. It’s not him, it’s me. I’m pretty sure he’s right.
He doesn’t understand mental illness and comes from parents (even though his mother is a retired R.N) who believed that a good kick in the ass would cure everything. There is such a huge stigma attached to mental illness and a LOT of people don’t understand and look at you like you’re crazy if you try to explain how you feel.
There are times that I actually feel good…excited even, but they never last for very long. I can feel good and bad dozens of times on the same day. Dealing with the constant ups and downs is exhausting. Some days I’d love to just stay in bed.
I’m sorry to say that I don’t have any wonderful advice or words of wisdom to pass on but I CAN tell you that if you don’t feel right, don’t ignore it. There ARE people out there equipped to help you find the sanity and peace of mind that we all need to cope with life.
In the meantime, I will continue with therapy and taking my medications with the hopes of one day not needing either.
I’m still looking for happy, but for now I’ll have to settle for still breathing.
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31 Comments on “Happiness is a Myth”
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“There are days when the me inside is standing on the edge of a cliff screaming, “Do you hear me?! I am losing it…I’m losing my fucking mind and nobody seems to even notice!” Other days I feel like I am drowning, in a really thick liquid and I can hardly breathe.”
Some days I feel like that too.
This post is honest and not at all ugly. And you gave the best piece of advice there is – “If you don’t feel right – don’t ignore it.”
Kudos for writing this post. Hope you find your happy.
Thank you very much Storkhunter. One day at a time.
Life is all relative – there’s always someone better and someone worse. Exhausted looks lke the right word.
Be gentle with yourself – breathing is enough most of the time.
You are right Phil…and thank you.
You are not ugly, but I’m not surprised that people (including yourself) run away from you after a while.
The only way that anyone will ever (continue to) accept you or (continue to) like you is if you learn to like and accept yourself. Wearing a mask all the time is NEVER the right choice. I did that from childhood till I was 25 and all it gave me was a drug- and alcohol-addiction and a tendency to get into fights and, frankly, screw my whole marriage up.
What I read in this, beautifully written, post is that you are afraid of rejection. What caused that? You say you don’t remember yourself ever being happy. So what is it that made you this way?
You and your therapist should really try to dig deep into the source (probably somewhere in your childhood) and you should face your fears and pains. Spend time with that hurt, little child inside of you that has been neglected all these years and listen to her problems, allow her to tell you why she is so sad. You owe that to yourself.
I can relate so much to everything your saying (sounds like a case of Dysthymia / MDD to me) and I promise you that you can be “fixed”. Every person on this planet is capable of happiness and so are you.
Thank you so much Daan for your heartfelt response. I am working with my therapist on just that…communicating with my inner child to work on the source of my problems. xo
Dear Wendy,
Your description of your pain is so palatable that I can taste it. I’m so sorry for your pain. But perhaps the therapist and/or the meds aren’t the right therapist/meds. Maybe there is something different to help you get to where it DOES make a difference if you live or die. I hope you find that place, where you can be happy with a husband, a job, a life that is as rich as your words.
This was a very brave post — hard, painful, true.
Take care, be safe.
(Oh, and kicks in the pants are SO overrated ….)
What a warm, beautiful response Elyse. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. xo
I feel your pain. Literally, I felt your pain as I was reading this. I hope you grow to accept yourself. You are such a beautiful human being, and I hope you one day see yourself the way we do.
I am speechless Jen…thank you so much. xo
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It seems like making this post is part of your therapy. Getting the ideas down on paper and so on. Best of luck for the continuation of your therapy, for waking up each day and continuing on the journey to find happy. Love & prayers. Xx
Thank you very much faith and yes, it helped to write it all down.
Dear Wendy – I can feel and taste your pain and your anger. I wish there were some words worthy, there aren’t. Not being afraid of dying isn’t the same as wanting to live, I wish you could find that piece of inside that lite up for you, I also hope you reach the point you don’t need either therapy or meds. Saying to you I have been where you are, well it sounds trite and I don’t mean to sound trite. But I remember feeling this way, I remember staying for others and allowing their need define my chooses and undermine my ego and joy. When you describe yourself as a child I suspect you are layering on yourself what others have told you, not what you actually remember. Of course, not all of us are merry sunshine not all of us are twinkle toed and bright. But, I have a strong suspicion you were not joyless either.
I think you will find you have friends rooting for you. Friends who don’t run screaming and are not repulsed. This is simply a matter of not buying the hype others are selling, starting writing your own press releases.
Peace – Val
Wow…your words were not trite in the least Val. Thank you for your good wishes and your sharing. xo
My dearest Mistress, I want to give you a big hug right now. For writing this entire post, but especially for these words: “I let you see just what I want you to see because I am terrified that if I show you my real face, you will run screaming and I will never hear from you again. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I was totally myself or who I dared to be her with. They probably aren’t around anymore. I don’t blame them. I’m ugly.” You’ve read about my own demons—this is why I understand yours. I won’t tell you not to feel the way you do, because your feelings are what they are. All I can say is that what you see is not what others see. I see a beautiful, strong, sad woman, and you’re fine however you are right now. You may not be where you want, but the people who love you don’t care about that. They’ll just want you to be happy.
I’m glad you’re in therapy and looking after yourself. I know how sadness and anger and fear can eat away at you. You deserve to know what it’s like NOT to have them controlling your life. You also deserve a harem of virile young men to cater to your every whim, but that’s for another post, probably.
Weebly, your words are like candy for the soul and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. xo
Wendy,
You are a very brave woman. I think we all wish that we could be this honest about who we are and what we think of ourselves, even just for a minute. The fact that you are willing to share this is a huge deal. None of us have the answers but somehow knowing that we aren’t the only ones struggling helps.
It DOES help to know that so many seem to understand. When you stand on the edge of that cliff, you feel so totally alone. Thanks for your comment Michelle. xo
I’m sorry to hear what you’re really feeling inside. You seem like a very interesting, creative person. Everyone is kind of messed up one way or another, some a lot worse than others of course. I hope you can start feeling better with therapy or self help or something. I don’t really know what the solution is, but finding something that you like and are good at, like writing, should hopefully give you a long-term goal and something to look forward to.
Thank you so much Binky. I’m taking one day at a time and trying to find “my” happiness.
I was offline last week when this got published… I am glad I found it. So brave of you to share, and you are definitely not alone in your feelings… keep working with your therapist and ‘just breathing’ is a great start!
Thank you so much Jenni. Sorry I haven’t been to your place much in the last few days but have a lot on my plate right now.
I have only had room for one post in the last week, so no worries! You take care of yourself
Hey there, I’m a fellow blogger and I feel your words. They are universal, everyone feels them. It’s just the creative types feel them more deeply than others, and normal people can’t grasp them as well. You are not alone.
I don’t have any feel-good advice to share with you.
Through my journey into self-discovery and awareness, pain is the place where the light enters you.
People, just about EVERYONE, is weak with self-inflicted torment that they deny, but only pass onto others. They don’t allow themselves to see the pain that they cause others. They deny it, they’re unable to see it – complete lack of compassion.
What if it’s not you with the problem, but everyone else? I’m going to sound like a crazy wacko here when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway. I have a theory that 90% of people are completely crazy (with sociopathic tendencies) and make the sane people nuts. They want what you have and want to bring you down to their level.
That crazy guy in the car for instance, it what HIM, not you!
I don’t like reading posts about people coping with these mental “illnesses”, it’s not an illness – it’s having to put up with other people’s shit THAT’S the illness. Stop blaming yourself. If you’re feeling guilty about something, than own up to it and apologize. Change yourself to be morally better, morally better and self aware. But I doubt that’s the case here.
At the root of it, people CAN be bad. And I’m talking EVERYONE. You have to accept this about people but never lose your own light inside. Your light brings out the light in others. You just have to be strong.
Anyway, I like to write. I can go on and on. Basically what I’m saying is to take the blame off of you. You are good inside and you know it. Following your own heart means breaking others. If you feel you need to leave your husband, this is your life, not his. The closer you get to following your heart, the closer you are to knowing that life is beautiful, YOU are beautiful and even those 90% of idiots are beautiful once you shine your light on them.
It’s not you. You are sensitive and feel what others are incapable of feeling. Don’t let them drive you crazy. Stay compassionate, that’s the source of everything good. Override everyone else, you’re more powerful than that.
Sorry to write such a long reply, just remember that the only illness here is being sensitive and compassionate. When others don’t do the same to you, it’s felt 10 times more than the average bloke. There’s nothing wrong with you.
If anything, I say it’s a blessing to be able to feel as deeply as you do. This is where the real beauty and art comes into play. If you allow yourself to come out of the shadows of your hurt, you can really inspire and teach. Let your light shine!
Wow monkey, I appreciate your kind words but I have to say that I really don’t feel that my (our?) ability to feel things at a deeper level is something I’m glad for. When I hurt, it feels so bad and I’m a terrible liar so my face and body SHOW what I am feeling…there is no way around it, no way to hide it from others…and that just makes me feel that much more vulnerable. I am sort of fighting with a friend right now and I just felt miserable all day and I really tried to just forget and smile…and be fun like I usually am. Today really sucked and I’m glad it’s almost over.
Wendy,
Sorry to butt in, however, I also have a friend whom I’m having difficulty with. I am discovering that as I work on the healing and recovery I need to make, in the way I need to make it, that it makes those who care for us uncomfortable. Even as they want us to heal and grow, they don’t react well to the changes we need to make because it forces them to either change along with us, accept that we aren’t the same person they’ve become accustomed to, or be left behind. It’s difficult to cope with the sense of disapproval and rejection they direct at us, but it isn’t about us and our failings, it’s about them and their own inability to see their own issues and face them.
Good luck and be blessed,
Kina
I couldn’t have said that better myself Kina. You hit the nail on the head.
I’ve experienced fights with friends before. It’s dreadful. But if they’re your real friend, they’ll hopefully come around. Sorry for such a long comment before, I got home late from the bar super tipsy and tired and just went nuts. I really have to stop doing that. I was in a weird mood.
I stopped trying to hide my emotions, and just let them out. It’s very freeing. If people have a problem with it, its their problem, not yours.
Stay tough lady
Thank you so much. You are very sweet and I didn’t mind your long comment at all. I’m trying to resolve the issue right now. Thanks again for your concern.
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