Light At The End Of The Tunnel
I come from a violent home. My father beat the shit out of my mother on a daily basis. I was 4 when I witnessed my mother losing 5 teeth because my father beat her, with a mug.
I was a happy child, though. I loved to play with my Lego™’s, Turtles™ and GI-Joe™’s. I also had a cat and I don’t care what anyone says, he was the reason that I retained my sanity during my childhood.
We cared for each other.
Every morning at 6.30 I went downstairs to let him in and he always brought me something to eat. A disgusting rat or bird, even though it freaked me the fuck out, I knew he meant well.
He stayed with me when I was sick or when I was hiding from my parents. He stood beside me every time I tried to break up my parent’s fights. He was my friend, my father and my brother.
He died when I was 8 years old. I lost the only thing that ever cared about me. It fucked me up, bad.
My main concern in my young life was my mother. She needed me. I felt responsible for her. I supported her. After a fight she’d come to me to talk. I would tell her she’s a good mother and she didn’t deserve what happened. My purpose in life growing up was to protect my mother from my father.
This purpose died when my father left us for another woman. A colleague he’d been sleeping with for 3 years, before he finally cut the rope.
I couldn’t handle the silence and emptiness it left within me and tried filling it by drinking and smoking marijuana.
I had been drinking and smoking weed since I was 13, but this time the nightcaps became an all-day thing. It was an expensive habit and I soon found that there were easier ways to finance this lifestyle – I’d do anything to avoid the actual issue.
Practically, 90% of my elementary school friends had become drug-dealers and thieves, which made it easy for me to get in with the bosses. I held up this career for 3 years and worked my way up until I was moving nothing smaller than kilo’s.
I was a regular at the bar where all the deals and money laundering took place. The place where it all went down, spoiled with cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, ecstasy and marijuana.
By that time I had physically injured and extorted many people, was involved in bar-brawls every weekend and broke my nose twice in the process. I still carry the teeth-marks on my deformed knuckles.
A beautiful Eastern European girl, working in this country as a bartender to pay the treatment for her sick father, stood up to me and gave me a reason to change my ways. I was drunk out of my ass and completely smoked-out when I told her: “Marry me.”
She laughed and said: “Where’s my ring?”
We were engaged from the first day we started dating. I bought her a white-gold diamond ring and we spent as much time together as we could.
The first night we spent together, her body started convulsing. A colleague had poisoned her by regularly adding heroin to her coffee. She went back home and was hospitalized for three months.
Directly after her recovery we moved in together. The first month was great, but one disagreement pushed me over the edge.
We were driving home from a birthday-party when somehow our conversation turned into a fight. I was dead drunk and threatened to kill her.
I became my father.
Stubborn as she was, she kept believing in me. Till the day of today I don’t understand why, but she stood by me after I quit crime and kicked drugs and alcohol.
In 2009 that girl became my wife. One year later our son was born. I am still struggling with my depression and recently discovered I have boundary issues, but I have made a lot of progress.
I want to say to anyone struggling with mental issues, if a scumbag like me deserves a second chance, so do you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
My Wife and Son. Oktober 27th, 2012
About Daan van den Bergh
69 Comments on “Light At The End Of The Tunnel”
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Daan,
You’re no scumbag brother. What you were was a result of external forces. What you are is a result of your good nature. It’s guys like you that are my heroes.
Red
That’s really cool of you to say. Thanks, bro!
You are the Maan!
Red,
You’re echoing my sentiments on Daan, too, friend.
Daan, you’re at a much better place today. And from what I know of you, you’re a man of love, and quite generous with your emotions. Keep it up.
Le Clown
Thank you for the kind words, my friend, and thank you for having me as a guest on this magnificent™ blog.
I seems you may have saved each other. You worked it through until you found that light at the end of the tunnel, many wouldn’t have. Kudos, and keep fighting for the light and your beautiful family.
I know, many give up during the struggle. I’ve seen it happening. If it wasn’t for my wife, perhaps I also couldn’t have done it. I don’t know.
I did save my wife, without knowing. When she was hospitalized, one night she decided to commit suicide, because she hated how everyone was treating her – she also comes from a terrible, terrible family. That very moment I called her and just the fact that I was nice to her gave her hope.
I can never forgive myself for all the painful things I did to her afterwards, though. But it’s a load I’m going to have to carry. I owe it to her to not let her carry it.
Daan, I love this post because it’s easy to think when we’ve messed up or been handed a shitty stick that we just have to sit there in the mud, accept that poor lot in life. This post reminds me that there’s always hope and silver lining.
Just started a Tiny Spark series on my blog today. It talks all about unexpected good, that little bit of light we get in the very darkest times. Hope you’ll check it out and consider contributing!
Everyone deserves to be happy, but we can’t help those that decided to give up. Giving up and being sad is easy, fighting and being happy is fucking hard, but totally worth it in the end.
And you can expect a contribution from me soon!
I really love this post because it’s raw and it’s real. I came from eerily similar circumstances, and I know first hand how hard it can be to do better, to be better. You’re proof that it’s possible, and you should be proud of that. You’re definitely NOT a scumbag.
Thank you for thinking I’m not a scumbag, sadly, I know a lot of people that disagree with you.
People owe it to themselves to be the best person they can be. I can’t take back what I did. All I can do is try to better myself and hope that the people I’ve hurt will not hate me forever.
From someone else who hails from a hellish past, good on you brother. We all deserve second chances. I’m so happy you’re finding your way.
Thanks for the kind words, El.
Daan, the only scumbag in your story was your father. What a terrible childhood you had to endure, where your very best friend was your cat and you had to act as your mother’s protector (when it should have been the other way around).
You have come so far and although I’m sure you struggle with demons on a daily basis, I’m sure that you can’t help but feel encouraged when you look back at your frightening beginnings and compare them to where/who you are now.
You are my new role model Daan. xo
Eh, demons are pussies!
It’s getting easier by the day to break their necks.
If my life taught me anything it’s how to fight. The scariest part of my journey was finding and confronting myself. I was used to living within my mother’s boundaries, within her space. As soon as my parents divorced my safe-space started to disappear. More and more I was introduced to myself and since I neglected myself since birth, I was a fucking mess! And that’s not a nice discovery, to say the least.
Drinking and drugs was the wrong way to go, but I was a child and where other people have 25 years to figure out who they are and what it means to be a grown-up, I had to do it in 2. That was a hell of a pill to swallow.
I’m not sorry for everything I did to myself, it helped me cope at the time, if alcohol hadn’t existed I would’ve probably killed myself. I am sorry for the life’s I destroyed in the process, though.
I understand what you mean by doing what you need to do at the time just to cope. I’m still doing that. I’m going to follow your blog.
My parents were fighters as well, both with each other and with us. It doesn’t make for a fun childhood. The hardest thing is not turning into your parents and repeating their mistakes. So much easier said than done.
Amen to that. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I think it’s important to realize that you are your own person. You could be a result of your past OR start from scratch and be your own person.
“Scumbag” is possibly the last word I’d use to describe you. “Survivor” “repentant” “brave SOB,” yeah, I’d use those. And a whole lot more: “Admirable” “Forgiving” “fortunate (although certainly not always)”
It is a wonderful story of your rise from the ashes, phoenix like. Keep flying near to your wife and your son.
Thank you for your kind words. It is nice to be accepted.
Elyse echoes my thoughts completely. Horrible yet wonderful life story here Daan. You are a brave man to have endured and survived and a lucky man to have such a wonderful family. Best wishes to you.
You’re keeping it real! I know this might sound out there-but walking helps with depression and it’s good for your kid to see you exercise….just saying…….
Walking and running never really helped me with my depression. I found my peace through lots of studying, understanding and eventually conquering and especially outgrowing my demons.
I do exercise, though, every day. Sit-ups, push-ups, squats and my boy always joins me and imitates me. It’s a lot of fun
good for you-It took me a long time…….
Well, if you count in all the years I’ve been in therapy it has taken me 10 years to get where I am now. When I was 17, I just didn’t know I was going to therapy for depression, it was mostly focussed on me being a victim of domestic violence.
What a beautiful family. And yours. Gift yourself hope and a new chance – you’re worth it. (that cat saw something in you – live up to what he saw in you – he’d be proud you made it through.) Brave kid.
My cat was awesome. He was everything I had, growing up. I do think back a lot to those times. Luckily, now I have a new cat that reminds me of him a lot.
Your words are great, after he died I spent a long time doing things in his honor. It dragged me through a lot of tough times.
Thank you.
Thank you for your transparency. Wow. I would like to invite your to participate in something special. The theme is “What Have You Learned This Year?” Here is the link for more information. I am accepting of course
http://ressurrection.wordpress.com/2012/12/01/what-have-you-learned-this-year/
The topic did grab my attention as I have learned a lot this year.
I might hop over there and check it out. I’ll be in touch.
Cool. Thanks! See you there.
Whoa, Daan, this was amazing. I don’t think you are a scumbag in any way. You were a kid who was handed a really crappy, horrific situation. You coped as best you could, with the tools you had. Obviously your cat, and your wife, saw that you were a good soul. And you proved them right. Right on, sir.
Yes, my wife once told me: “Even good people do bad things”. I guess that applies to me. What we do, doesn’t always define who we are.
Thank you for your kind words.
Holy crap. I’d heard your childhood was bad, but my brain didn’t consider the details (which seem obvious in retrospect). Thanks for sharing this – and thanks for demonstrating that there are potholes on the road to recovery, too. I’m amazed at your tenacity.
Before my current blog I spent 2 years blogging about my fight with depression and my past on an anonymous blog that I still own. At one point it just started to feel like an endless amount of complaining. I’m over it, that’s why I left that blog to be.
On I Fkkn Rokk.com I try to keep it light and useful. I am thankful to Le Clown for allowing me to share my story here, so that my current readers can get to know me a bit better.
In this kind of situations, tenacity and hope is all you have. Once you lose the hope for something better, your life is over.
I lost hope around the age of 19. And it warped me into a downgoing spiral that certainly would’ve ended in death. All I am now, I owe to my wife, because for some reason she saw a good person in me, a person that I had long forgotten.
I recognize bits of your story in my own lifes story. Instead of a cat I had a dog – my friend and sister. You had a crappy start for sure but now it’s all up to you and it seems here you are making better choices than your Dad ever did. It’s not the cards….it’s how we play.
I couldn’t have said it any better.
I hope you are doing well…
Very inspirational and heartfelt, Daan. You’re a righteous man, my friend.
Thanks a lot, brother
Daan, you are a very brave man. And you are absolutely not a scumbag. Your cat and your wife, obviously didn’t think so. And neither do any of us. You are and always will be Daan the Maan!
Thanks a lot, Miss Four Eyes. Your comments always make me smile.
It feels good to come out and speak the truth, especially when good people, like you, accept me for who I am.
Thank you, for you honesty and not simply glossing over the bad stuff. You came from a really bad place, people who should have lifted you up and protected you failed you, terribly. I would not ever apply the word ‘scumbag’ to you, not ever. You have made choices to change your world, change your future and change the future of your beautiful child.
Hero, Victorious, Survivor; I would give you these names.
You are far too kind. But, thank you.
Daan, that was really … honest. Not to mention it left us with a wonderful message. People CAN change.
People can do whatever they want as long as they really believe they can do it. I believe that all people are good by nature. Problem is, life can be damaging. It’s easier to suffer and become an asshole, like I was around my 20s.
It’s hard being a good person in this world we live in, but it’s so much more rewarding than throwing your life away and pulling everyone down with you.
Thank you for comment, Becca, it’s much appreciated.
I agree so very much. You are more than welcome.
Daan, thank you for your honesty – and your guts! People don’t often see the “inner” story, they just see the violence or the anger and not the hurts that caused the violence or the anger.
I’m praying that you’ll have the strength to continue in your journey and to be the father and husband you clearly want to be, and that your life will be blessed.
Your comment hit a nerve.
I have seen it so many times that people judge the book by its cover, so to speak. Not only with me, but with many old friends and classmates. If society only learned to think twice before labeling a person, I think much pain could be prevented.
People should never judge a person by WHAT they do, but instead ask WHY it is what they do.
I think the reasons that people don’t do that as a general rule is that the majority of people are scared of getting too close, of getting sucked into something they don’t understand, instead of being able to stand up for what is right. Or maybe they’re scared that if they offer something, it’ll be thrown back in their face. Life can be just too complicated at times.
You make a good point: I think fear controls many people, I think they would be able to understand whatever they challenged themselves with if fear wasn’t the decision-maker.
Hi Daan,
Thank you for your honesty and for your willingness to stay with your recovery, and to rise above what was handed to you in your own childhood and give your child a different experience. It is a huge gift to the world. I remember when I first had the revelation of what “recovery” really means. To recover one’s true, authentic, whole self. Really, to be born again. Wow. What an opportunity, in other words, YOU ARE NOT A SCUMBAG! Say it 50 million times when you wake up in the morning. YOU ARE AWESOME! And you are NOT your father, you are you. xo misslisted
Thank you for your kind words, misslisted.
It is like being born again, actually, just being born. I never really experienced life till after my parents divorced. I lived inside my mothers’ boundaries and lived for her. When I, basically, discovered that I was my own human being, I was scared shitless at first, but since a few years I have discovered it to be quite a great experience and opportunity.
That’s why I started blogging, to reach out, help others, make people smile.
Daan,
Great to see you dealt with a shitty deal and moved beyond it. The moment of realizing you had become your father was poignant. Also a moment you chose to move beyond and become the honest, sensitive, and loving individual you are now. The road may not be easy, but the light with you in it is that much sweeter for it.
It is hard work, but it definitely pays off, yes. I can advise anyone to do the same. Happiness is an everyday fight.
Thank you for your comment, iRuniBreathe.
Very true: Happiness is an everyday fight. Well said.
Tania
Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone. Well, okay… maybe not Hitler, but you know what I mean.
I do know what you mean. I certainly don’t think everyone deserves a second chance as there is a border and once you cross it, no more retries. I’m just happy that (apparently) I didn’t pass that border. Hitler doesn’t deserve a 2nd chance, neither does my father.
You can’t screw up forever…
Keep striving ahead! And remember there’s not just light at the end of the tunnel, there’s great light and love in each of us
Congratulations, Dan! You’ve taken responsibilitiy for changing your life into something you can be proud of . . . and find joy in….against all odds. It sure doesn’t sound like you were dealt a very fair hand in this life. My heart breaks at the telling of your story and your love for your cat. It’s so unfair and so much burden for a young child to carry for his mother. What an incredible person you are! Your wife knew it – she was just waiting for you to know it. And now you do. Yay You! I’m happy for you and your family. You deserve to have some of the good stuff, dude. Thanks for sharing your story with the rest of us! And thanks, Le Clown, you rock star, for always finding the best people to blog! xoJulia
Thank you so much for the kind words, Julia, and thank you for following my blog!
I know a guy a lot like you and he’s my best friend. The difference is he hasn’t kicked it yet. Maybe he will now because of the predicament he put himself in. But I know who he is when he is able to be with me.
You have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing and giving me a moment to reminisce about my friend.
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Dan,
Great post. You have inspired to write to my sister who is going through a hard time right now. She is hurting others. But, I know it’s because she is hurting. Thanks for inspiring me and helping me to see that pain creates scumbags and love heals them!
Just because a person hurts, doesn’t make it acceptable for that person to hurt others.
You should engage in conversation with your sister sometimes, ask her why she does the things she does and try to get to the bottom of why she’s hurting. Perhaps you should confront her with the thing you already know about her. If she’s open for it, she’ll make a change. People are capable of that, you know, they just have to want it.
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If I have know this post existed, I would have included this article in my post Courage to comeback of Ordinary People. Take care.
It doesn’t matter, Seeker.
What matters to me is that this post is here for people to read, and although this post is almost 6 months old, it warms my heart to know that people are still finding and reading it.
Thank you for liking my post and thank you for your visit to my blog. I hope to keep in touch with you in the future.
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