It Is What It Is
I thought I had problems… Problems that would make everyone look at me and think, “gee, you’re right, you’re life sucks… you definitely deserve some kind of medal for making it through all of that.” But what would that accomplish? What would it mean, in the end? The problems wouldn’t be better, my life wouldn’t be any easier to live, and after the two seconds of recognition I’d get, everyone would go back to their own life and forget about mine. And then I’d just be mad because no one cares about me.
The truth of the matter:
It is what it is
A while back, I spent a few weeks sitting in the corner of a psychiatrist’s office. I learned a lot about what I was supposed to learn: the presentation and management of some common psychiatric conditions. What I learned more of, however, is that my life isn’t the only one with problems. Not only that, but my problems are NOTHING compared to the problems that some people face… AND, these people are still out there living their lives, in whatever way they can. Don’t get me wrong, there were a few people who weren’t living their lives the best they could, but there was no pity from the doctor, there was no enabling, there was only one statement of advice: It is what it is.
Some patients are looking for a diagnosis, they are looking for a scapegoat on which to place blame for all the problems in their lives. If you tell me that I have a mental illness, then I have an excuse. Much like my not-so-old attitude, what does that diagnosis accomplish for anyone? So now you have a name for your problem? Now what? Are you just going to sit back and blame all the bad things in your life on your diagnosis? Well I guess you could, and the sad fact is (according to this psychiatrist), many people get stuck in that way of thinking and they never accept the plain old truth: It is what it is.
At first I was frustrated with the number of times this psychiatrist would tell his patients this piece of advice. Sometimes it would come out of his mouth 10 times in a thirty-minute visit. I thought, “Why are you minimizing these people’s problems? Mental illness is a real problem and you’re sitting here telling them to get over it, make some changes?” Over time, however, I began to realize what this doctor was really getting at:
Yes, you have a problem, you have an illness, and yes, it makes your life a little more difficult than the next person’s. But so what?
It is what it is.
You can’t change it. What you can do is change your attitude, change your outlook, and live your life the best you can in spite of whatever bad things are going on.
And, he’s right.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
After each patient’s appointment, we’d close the chart, sip our coffee, share some small talk, and then welcome in the next patient. And despite the different patient and the different complaint, there would be the same piece of advice – each and every time. And at the end of the day, we would go our separate ways to live our separate lives with our own life-altering problems. And all the while, every patient we saw that day would be out living their own lives, with their own problems. There’s nothing I can do to change that. There’s nothing he can do to change that.
So what can I do? Well, the next time I’m feeling sorry for myself because of the circumstances that I face, I can remind myself: It is what it is.
I can feel sorry for myself and get mad that my life isn’t quite the way I want it… Or, I can accept that small piece of advice and get on with living my life the best way I can.
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At my last visit, I asked my therapist if I was fucked up. He replied, no. And if you were, I’d tell you. I appreciate his honesty. It is what it is. It is who I am, but it doesn’t define me. I’m me and I have a mental illness. It makes me a better writer, so it can’t be that bad.
You’re absolutely right! It’s part of you but it doesn’t define you! I like it!
Me too honey, me too.
Excellent post, and very true.
Thanks!
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With the horrible pity party I have been having for myself in my head this morning, I especially thank you for writing this. No matter what the case, whether it be mental illness or a bad day at work, we need to accept that shit happens. To everyone. Proactive outlooks will win over negative dwelling any day.
I’m sorry for your pity party… I have them often too! I’m glad my post provided you with some new perspective!
There are several reasons why I like this post. First, I must admit that when I was in the corporate world, I did not care for the phrase ‘it is what it is,’ mainly because so many people used it as a way to justify non-action about things that actually could be changed. “Oh, we can’t get our work done because the copier is jammed. So, we miss the deadline, it is what it is.” stupid stuff like that. Unjam the thing and get back to work!
The way you use the phrase here is exactly right. Some things we must accept “as is” and move on with life. Doing, working, always moving forward, knowing that we make life “what it is.”
My favorite line…”What you can do is change your attitude, change your outlook, and live your life the best you can in spite of whatever bad things are going on.”
Excellent post!!!
Thanks so much! You are right; there is a right time and a wrong time to use this phrase!
I’ve had a month of dealing with the shit of a chronic physical illness and today I was feeling especially sorry for myself. So thanks for this. I’m going to continue to be miserable for the rest of the day (hey, it’s half over — why waste it) but tomorrow I will be better. Or at least I won’t whine!
I think we all deserve a pity party every once in a while, but as long as it is over tomorrow! haha! Feel better, okay?
Thanks, Giraffe. I’m working on it.
There is certainly a strength to come from acceptance, which is how I hear: “It is what it is.”
But there is also a strength to come from hope: “It is what it is, but we can change it.”
And there is also a strength that comes from letting go and moving on: “It is what it is, and it will always be that way.”
For me, I absolutely need to accept my depression and work with it. I need to understand what is going on with my daughter, and get help figuring out a plan to help her work with it. A diagnosis or label would help me understand the parameters of what we’re dealing with, what we can help her with, and what we just need to accept and try to manage.
And I had to let go of ever believing my ex-husband would change. He was diagnosed with a personality disorder while we were getting divorced, and it was a huge relief to know that *it wasn’t my fault.* He is who he is.
Thanks for your comment, and thanks for reading! It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about everything going on. I hope you get the answers you are looking for!
This is pretty much my way of thinking about life. You can either let all of your problems get you down, you can make excuses, and you can pity yourself and cast blame in every direction, OR you can embrace the challenge, conquer it, and find a way around whatever problems you have. Life is never going to be ideal for anyone. You can only make the best of the hand you’re dealt. A lot of people want to sit and crying about their problems instead of trying to solve them and that drives me nuts.
Thank you for writing this.
In psychiatric terms (and I’m sure you know this already), what you’re talking about is overidentification with a diagnosis. Having so many diagnoses that I call them my alphabet soup, I have been through overidentification, I have been through underidentification (which is not remotely the same thing as denial), and I have, finally, reached something along the lines of what you’re talking about.
Just remember, when someone is sitting opposite the psychiatrist, seeming to plead for answers, it’s because we’ve spent our entire lives looking for them. For something magic that is going to make it all better. We don’t truly believe anything will, but we sometimes slip into desperate thinking.
Having said all of that, my own personal take is: no one suffers any more or less. We all just suffer differently.
You are absolutely right – we all suffer in our own ways.
I think dealing with a mental health diagnosis is really a continuum and we all start at one end, which is what I describe, and we need to move through it… and hopefully get to the place of acceptance.
yep – it is what it is – but sometimes we have to be told – thanks for telling it
You’re welcome! Thanks for reading!
It’s so true. The diagnosis can help us understand why and how we feel certain things and experience them in a certain way, but that doesn’t mean you can just say “Sorry, I’ve got XYZ disorder, I’m not responsible.” And hell yeah, there are so many people whose problems make mine seem ridiculously trivial, I remind myself that everyone has something. All we can do is play the cards we were dealt. It doesn’t help to say “Oh, this hand sucks, I wish I had gotten better cards.” All you can do is play the hand and keep on going.
Mdm. Weebles… You are absolutely right! I need to play more cards, I think…
It’s a bit like the saying “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” but with rather more guts to it. It is what it is. If it’s a broken leg, it will heal providing you treat it with the respect it needs. If it’s a mental illness, it can be lived with, again providing the person with it (be it self or other) is treated with the appropriate respect. If it’s a bad day where you can’t get out of bed, take a sick day and tomorrow will be different. If it’s a good day, enjoy it. I guess we should always look for the silver lining, rather than the thunder cloud!
Yes! Absolutely! And the beauty of making lemonade is that sometimes (more often than not) we can add lots and lots of sugar!
Or rather less sugar if you’re making it for someone you don’t like! Although that could be seen as being rather childish, but sometimes being childish is actually necessary. Taking life too seriously all the time is not a good thing at all.
I have always found a certain comfort in that phrase. It calms me and focuses me on “what next” – it moves me forward. Acceptance is not easy but it has to happen before you can move forward and acceptance is what “it is what it is” means to me. Great post!
Thanks! It is definitely all about acceptance! Once you accept it, you can move on, in whichever direction you want.
Finally a perfect slot for that phrase (which has been used most annoyingly as an excuse to often.)
Hey, normal? Over-rated. Dance to your music and get on.
Well done
Thank-you!
Did you know that French king Louis (14th? married to Marie Antoinette – spelling, sorry?) used that line all the time? How weird is that?
Your advice is well-taken. I tell that to myself when I start to feel bad about myself or the amount of meds I have to take. At least they are helping me. It is what it is. What if the doctor couldn’t find a combination of meds to help? At least these help. So what if I have to take them. They make life bearable. I can live a somewhat normal life. Life is better than before. It is what it is. I’m better of than a lot of people. It is what it is. Thank you for writing this piece.
You’re welcome! I’m glad it spoke to you. Thanks for reading!
‘It is what it is’ has always, to me, been referred to things that are out of your control. ‘It’s raining today? It is what it is.’ ‘There’s a traffic jam on the way to work and you’re going to be 15 minutes late? It is what it is.’ ‘Your dog ate your homework and you didn’t become aware until 5 minutes before leaving to school? It is what it is.’ That stuff, I understand needs to be taken in stride. People should learn to let go when things go awry and accept them. You mess up, you do better next time. Hearing it from a doctor is slightly off-putting. Yes having a mental disorder sucks and we need to learn to accept it, but where do we go from there? It is what it is, now what? ‘I wanna harm myself or kill myself, it is what it is?’
Now, what if you were sitting across the table and your oncologist informs you that you have cancer following up with ‘it is what it is’?
Wonderful post, my Crank Masta G! I knew your post and you would be adored. I so admire you and your talent. Sincerely.
CB
Thanks, CB! You are absolutely right, too! There is a time and a place for this retort. That being said, however, I would hope that most professionals using this statement would know when it’s appropriate and when it’s not…
Great words. I think they really help to keep our perspective on the present without trying to exploit or influence things. I also agree that a diagnosis is an easy way to excuse yourself from the responsibiltities you’d rather shirk. Someone will always be better or worse off than you are, but we are all in our own present reality and must deal with what we’ve been dealt.
I really enjoyed this post. Thank you.
Thanks for reading! It’s so nice to learn that so many people have an open perspective to the issue and are generally in agreement that we need to accept and move on!
I’m waiting to see the psychotherapy team purely to find out how best to deal with whatever diagnosis they tell me is right. I do the best with what I have both physically and mentally, it’s not perfect but no one is! I think the only reason I want a diagnosis is because I know it helps to figure out which methods to use to help me get the most out of it, or maybe I’m just fooling myself and really want a scapegoat lol it wouldn’t surprise me.
Well said Ms Giraffe! I was going to pledge you to the blog for mental health 2013 but since I put it to Black box warnings as a whole…you’re under the banner anyway
Thanks! Just so you know, I do have my own blog (crankygiraffe.wordpress.com) where I do my share of mental health relates blogging too! Thanks for reading and for the encouragement!
Ohhh found you I’ll have to have a proper nosey later on
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Cranky Giraffe,
Thank you for writing this. I think that, sometimes, we have to go through the various stages of grief when coming to terms with a diagnosis, when we’ve been beside ourselves with our personal brands of crazy that we’ve attempted to alter and change, usually by trying to alter and change everyone and everything to accommodate our unique and specific views, that we don’t quite realize are not the norm for everyone else, until we do a lot of damage to ourselves and others.
I think that Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief play into this, especially the denial phase. Each phase and stage of grief will happen in different ways, last for different periods, and will cycle through different amounts of times and in different degrees for each individual and the specific condition will probably factor into it a lot of the time.
“It is what it is” is probably the best way of helping to normalize whatever the situation is and help bring about the acceptance that is needed before forward progression can occur. Even though it may feel unsympathetic and uncaring to the one on the receiving end of those words, initially anyway.
None of this is based in scientific or educated understanding, just my own personal experiences and bits and pieces I’ve gathered over the past twenty+ years of dealing with my own ever present issues and diagnoses.
Great post,
Kina
Thanks so much for your comment! I agree, acceptance is usually the last stage of a long, difficult grieving process. That being said, I’m glad to hear you are so in-tune with that process within yourself! Thanks for reading!
i recently listened to a conversation between athletes were were disappointed at how aging had affected their performance. one was depressed at only being 85% of himself. the other said, “no, you’re not 85%. you just have a new, different 100%. so just be your new 100% and do your best with it.”
I really, really love that thought! Thanks for sharing it, and thanks for reading!
thanks for writing things worth reading.
If the psychiatrist can’t help in some way, then what the heck is he/she doing in that profession? At the other end of the spectrum are those who are dosed up with a heavy slate of even heavier drugs. Anything that gives the patient comfort is worthwhile. As far as your psychiatrist with his/her “It is what it is” and “So what?”!!!! In deference to the other people on this site, I am going to say only that your psychiatrist is an idiot!
Well, the beauty of it, is that we are entitled to our own opinions! But, I never said he can’t help, I just said he used that phrase a lot!
Sorry if I was harsh. When I reposted your blog on my facebook page, I heard back from some friends and relatives who have serious problems ranging from severe bipolar disorders and depression to undiagnosed physical ailments that have been likened to MS, Parkinson’s and other chronic diseases. Their thoughts on the blog were anything but positive. I reread the blog and felt they were right. Unfortunately, tact has never been part of my repertoire. Again I apologize for my rude comment.
No problem! No need to apologize!
He Who,
Black Box Warnings has been designed and created so that everyone can have a voice, and feel safe. Many of us hold dear to our values and opinions, and try to convey these personal messages respectfully. It’s important to me that all guest bloggers feel as if they can express their views without being judged, nor persecuted. I know this was not your intention, but blogging/writing can often relay the wrong message. Happy to see this was resolved.
Eric
Me too. That is a really bad habit of mine. Flying off the handle, I mean. I will try to be less judgmental and hurtful and more respectful in the future. I used to adhere to Thumper’s Rule and should probably do so again.
Every day I wake up and the cat hasn’t eaten my eyes is a good enough day.
Oooh! I used to have cats, but we gave them to my mother-in-law. Beat decision ever! Thanks for reading!
Very well said crankygiraffe. It’s all about perspective.
Thanks!
Great article. It’s my new adopted philosophy. Consuming yourself with trying to change certain things, rather than learning to accept/cope, can be more debilitating than the condition that you’re fretting about. When you feed the animal, it gets
Wtf. I accidentally turned my mic off. Anyways…
…when you feed the beast, it gets bigger, stronger and faster. Sometimes I wonder if we stopped giving anxiety a name, if that might reduce the fear factor. (Just using as an example). People, including myself, will often refer to it as “my anxiety”. It makes it sound like a person that’s following you around – tormenting. It’s a real condition, but a fictitious character. I am the source of it. Am I rambling or does this make sense?
Rambling is okay… I do it all the time! But it makes perfect sense! Sometimes separating it out and thinking of it as a separate entity is a helpful therapeutic tool. However, most often I think it becomes an excuse. Much like you say!
I think you’re a credit to everyone who has ever had the courage to take whatever steps were necessary to ensure their pyschological well-being, my friend.
Good for you. Brilliant post.
Thank-you! I think it comes from years of practice and introspection! Not an easy task, but we are all capable… And it is an ongoing challenge!
I agree, mental illness is not an excuse for our behavior or not living life to the fullest. It is a reason, though. It is a reason to find that right therapist or doctor, the reason to find relationships that support and love us rather than hurt us.
Having been in therapy off and on for 15 years, I have been lucky. Now I’m constantly told I am incredibly self-aware and able to say things in a way others understand and identify with strongly. I would have none of that without my bipolar.
It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason.
Very well said!
CG,
This is such a simple and freeing philosophy, written so well.
It’s a matter of survival really, being able to accept changes you may not be able to control or influence. That’s how we are able to smile in the face of the evolution of ourselves, and improve our lot.
Thank you for this,
Red
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