Should I have that cake then, or…
When Le Clown asked me to participate, my first question was: what terrible secret would I have to divulge? He played it down, but I knew better. So, kids, here is my secret: I don’t want to choose.
Now, you might think that everyone would say that. And indeed, most of us dream of being able to have everything they want, rather than compromise. Most of us, though, are able to stop at healthy striving for self-fulfilment, rather than let it turn into a downward spiral of dissatisfaction.
My ‘silver spoon in mouth’-themed life taught me that I didn’t have to make choices. As a young girl, I succeeded in everything that was set before me. I have always achieved what I wanted, whether by birth, by luck or by hard work; but I did it nevertheless.
And it only got better; everything was changeable. If I wasn’t sure about a degree, I could get another one; and so I did (and then once more). When I got bored with one country, I moved to another (England, you were only my 4th choice but I love you deeply nevertheless).
But, as I grew older, suddenly things didn’t click. I had to start making decisions – that meant making a choice and giving up one thing for another – that would impact me long-term and be irreversible (gasp).
I met the love of my life, and he asked me to marry him. Did I have doubts? Of course I did. Did I wonder if that would stop me fulfilling some of my plans? You bet. But I have made the conscious decision to do it. To risk it. (I may be an exception. I still meet people saying they knew something was destined to happen, and I wonder – can one really not even question life, no matter how good?)
***
See, I stopped believing in fate a long time ago. Maybe it’s my pride; I could never settle for the fact that a predestined string of events could be what my life was all about. I wanted to make things happen. I wanted choice to be my guiding principle; I would be the decision-maker.
Sounds good? So I thought.
But, here’s the conundrum. When you replace fate with choice, you have to accept the probability of mistakes. I cannot blame what happens in my life on something beyond my power anymore, something that was ‘meant to be’, whether good or bad. I actually have to start being accountable for my life. I have to recognize that my mistakes are only my own; that I alone can make or break my life.
Suddenly, the same choice that I’ve embraced as my guiding principle crippled me. I got scared of making decisions. I didn’t want to accept the responsibility. Crucially, I didn’t want to give anything up; and it’s hardly ‘making a choice’ if you do not commit one way or another. I made a silent pact with myself: I would just cede my right to choice by letting things happen. Somehow I justified to myself that it was different from believing in fate; it was simply giving things time to unravel at their own pace.
New career? It’s recession / difficult market I would be getting into / not enough experience. A baby? I’ve only lived in four countries so far, still haven’t visited X, Y and Z, need to refurbish the house. Me and my husband growing apart because of my fear of sharing? That will surely go away soon / it’s not really a problem / everything is fine and we don’t even fight. [Insert an unending list of choices and decisions I've decided not to make.]
To use this tired cliché, I wanted to have my cake and eat it.
But, dammit, you cannot be a thinking person and continue like that for long. Last year’s realisation that shedding the responsibility for my life would lead me to losing it was transformational, if spectacularly painful. I wanted to reduce that pain by making a deal with myself:
Okay, Self, I promise to start making decisions. My first one: I decide I’m over this crisis of self-belief, self-acceptance and self-actualisation.
Ha! As you can imagine, it wasn’t as simple as that. I fought back – still do – like an angry little vixen. Only thanks to my friends, counselling sessions with my therapist, my husband’s patience and hundreds of hours spent looking inside and picking myself apart, I’m starting to work through that fear of responsibility.
I was hoping this post could finish with some good advice or an inspiring story of a winner. I’m afraid the road ahead is still long and twisting. But maybe when I figure it all out, I hope to be a better wife and a good (future) mother, and most importantly: a happy, calm and fulfilled person. Because those few times when I have taken the plunge and risked it – like marrying my husband – were the best decisions of my life.
About Pixie Girl
37 Comments on “Should I have that cake then, or…”
Leave a Reply
The Community
Pingback: Choice: guest posting on Black Box Warnings | Exploring Pixie
The enemy is within, huh? Sounds like you’re on your way, though, good luck!
TAE, true words. The enemy is absolutely within.
I have trouble with taking responsibility, too. It’s part of my borderline personality disorder. I’ve been working with my therapist, too, on it and have come a long way since I was first diagnosed 15 years ago. I still hate to make decisions, but I do make them, albeit with reluctance. I guess it’s something I’ll keep fighting against for the rest of my life. At least I know I’ve made a little progress. Some progress is better than none. I applaud you for acknowledging the problem and trying to overcome it.
Thank you; believe me, realising that after believing for years that I am great at taking decisions was pretty unravelling. But, one step at a time…
Also, you are right. This is something that one will have to struggle with for the rest of one’s life; knowing that can hopefully prevent forgetting and giving up too easily…
What good is a life dominated by fear and regret, right?
Beautifully-written post, Pixie Gril. I think you’re on the fast-track to being a wonderful, whole human being and writer.
Thank you for this.
Your comments are always so thoughtful. Thank you so much, you have no idea how important reading this was to me.
I agree. No fear, and no regrets.
Oh Pixie, thank you. I’m about a year behind you. I can’t thank you enough for helping to shine the light on my path. Or really, just this post encourages me that its okay I’m wandering in this deep dark forest because sooner or later I will find my way, as long as I keep walking.
G, I am glad I could help in some way. You are right, it will come, but the questions need to come from you. No point in rushing into it though.
Pixie! So good to see a more in depth side of you. I struggle with the concept of fate myself. So many times in my life I was certain that some cosmic forces were guiding me in a certain direction. In work, in love, in so many aspects of my life. Only to be let down when it didn’t pan out as I knew it SURLY would.
That being said, I still yearn to believe in fate. I have just had to learn to tone down my romanticism of fate and balance it with actively choosing to make decisions that will propel me forward. If this makes sense.
Great post for BBW.
Becca! Thanks. It’s not an easy thing to do always, plus people don’t really wanna read some boring personal shit, eh… Okay a bad joke later, I do of course believe in some sort of… unexplainable coincidence. A good few things happened in my life that seem a combination of such an unlikely turn of events that it’s difficult not to believe there was a purpose to them. But, I’d rather know that I always judged it for myself and decided that was something I wanted to allow.
I enjoy seeing other sides of bloggers. It makes you all a little more real in my brain. And of course we all share similar struggles and view points. It’s a nice reminder that we aren’t alone in our feelings.
Absolutely, me too. I know though that sometimes blogs take on a certain personality (like yours, dude!) so having a place like here where you can be a little more serious and open is really awesome. Kudos to Eric and Sara for curating this place!
Also, I hope it didn’t sound like I’m not romantic at all. Believe me, I am. I fell in love with my future husband pretty much instantly and it was a fairytale story, really. So, I’m not so cold
Pixie? Cold? Naaaah
.
Calculated risks – leap for it. The ability to reinvent yourself is freedom. No mistakes – only chances to learn. Baby steps will morph into going for the stars. Many will cheer you on when it’s shaky – just look at the comments. Go for it kid!
Calculated risks – I like that. I think in this sense it’s a bit easier for me. It’s those big ones that I can’t calculate that scare me. But… baby steps indeed.
So much of life is due to ‘choice and chance’! Letting go of the illusion of control, while taking responsibility is such a good thing to learn
Excellent post.
Thank you Kylie
Letting go of the illusion of control… those words are priceless.
I dig this big time, Pixie. There’s never a perfect time to do anything and it’s easy to say “If it’s meant to be it will happen.” But a lot of things that seem like they’re “meant to be” don’t just “happen”—they present themselves because of the many minor choices we made prior to that point. Sometimes serendipity pops in to say hi, but not usually.
Sure, you end up taking responsibility for your choices when you act, but you also take responsibility for your choices when you don’t act and wait/hope for things to happen. It feels safer, but sometimes it isn’t safer, it’s just less interesting. And taking responsibility doesn’t have to mean that you beat yourself up for mistakes. You learn and say “Eh, okay, so I won’t do that again.”
Sometimes, for me, at least, it seems to be a matter of just spontaneously jumping in the water and swimming—just DOING it even if it feels like you’re flying by the seat of your pants. That’s how I’ve lived for the past 15 years or so and it’s worked out pretty well, usually!
Weebs, aww! Thanks, that means a lot.
And your comment reminded me of an awesome video I shared somewhere before – especially the ‘not making a choice is also a choice’. I might do a follow up on my blog at some point!
excellent post – enjoyed it, thought about it, learned from it,
Awesome! That’s all I could ask for.
Well done. Keep your sense of humor and the results of any decision you make will bring you a smile and a chuckle.
Of that you can be sure, my friend
I am more than willing to share laughs, especially about myself!
Oh, life is full of decisions with a sprinkle of “fate” thrown in (said the wise old lady). I’ve always felt blessed to have the opportunity to make so many of my own choices, even if they don’t always turn out as I’d hoped.
I like that too. That sprinkle is necessary, else we’d all go crazy!
I often find myself crippled by indecision, with anxiety building because I know I need to choose something and I literally cannot do it – and this over little things like what to eat for lunch. Then there are the big decisions, in my case, who to marry, and do we want children. Sometimes I feel like life is hurtling along without my control, with other people making the decisions because I can’t do it. And sometimes I realise that I let people suggest the right decision for me because it is actually what I want. Being responsible is terrifying, but you can do it.
That’s a good point. There is a big difference between everyday decisions and those big ones. I guess sometimes… okay, fine, sometimes I *know* what needs to happen. When I met my husband, it was apparent to me pretty quickly that I wanted to marry that guy; he was perfect for me. But, still, I’d like to think that it was my conscious decision and I thought about it rationally, too.
I also want kids; in fact we are basically trying for one now. But it’s something that – when I was younger – I thought would have happened earlier. I guess life – and other decisions – simply adjust your plans, and that’s okay too.
It can be so easy to just stay where you are because it’s safe and known. Thank you for sharing.
Ah, isn’t it. That safety is addictive…
I think we can own our choices and decisions and ‘fate’ no matter what happens. We can help things along, or we can hope that things turn out the way we wanted them to. Sometimes we do all the ‘right’ things and get a result that’s completely unexpected. I think if we could trust that whatever we are doing — no matter the direction — is the ‘right’ thing for that moment, we could relax a little more and live a little more in the present. I wrangle with that one a lot.
Great post.
That is true as well – there is no rule or method. Our actions may – and often do – bring unexpected results. I have actually grown to believe there’s usually a lesson in all that, which I suppose in some way allows ‘fate’ into the equation… but I never said my theory was flawless
But if your theory, or any theory, works most of the time those are also pretty good odds to stick to.
I think*most* is the key. Any good theory must have its exceptions, otherwise something is wrong with it, ha!
Pingback: Joy and Butterfly, we need to have a good talk again | A Butterfly's Joy