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I need to write this letter to you. I need to tell you how I feel. I never have. I have always hid it deep inside my soul, and let it eat at me like a termite eating away slowly at the decaying wood. It sits inside my soul and eats at me slowly. Sometimes creeping up and causing me to go to that place that I loathe. The place of anger, and resentment…the place of feeling “wrong” in being who I am. You always have been able to make me feel wrong. I remember the time when I was so young and trusting, you know those early years when you trust everyone, and always see the good first. We were both kids but I looked up to you. I remember the time you put a knife to my throat. I was maybe 7 and you were 12. I was scared. I wanted my mom. You were suppose to be someone I trusted…but instead put a knife to my throat and told me if I yelled you would kill me. I believed you. I ran away to the neighbors. I never trusted you again! You hurt me.
The night of christmas eve, I lay in my bed so excited because santa was coming. He was going to fill our stockings, and leave presents…and it was going to be a happy day. But instead I heard screaming from the living room. I ran out to see you choking her. She was turning blue…lifeless. She was passing out. You were as drunk as ever, and full of rage and not stopping. I was a child and didn’t know what to do. You stopped before she died….but I was so scared and never trusted you again. You hurt me.
The time when you told me that I had to do it!! I would ruin everybody’s life if I didn’t. Especially your life. You lied to me to get me to do it! You told me that you had done it. I was 15. I was pregnant. I wanted my baby. I didn’t know what to do and was scared. But I wanted my baby. You said that you became pregnant at 15 and your mom made you get an abortion because it was best. I didn’t want to….you said I would ruin everyone’s lives. I wish one person….just one had told me not to. JUST ONE!!! I have regretted it every day I take a breath. But the hard part was 3 months later you told me YOU were pregnant. And you kept your baby! I never trusted you again. You hurt me.
The time when we didn’t talk. We didn’t talk for so long. Most of my childhood..I feared you. When I became older…you were so lost in your addiction that I couldn’t find you. Finally you became clear…for a short time. You met my oldest baby. We almost became friends, and then you fell again. And instead of calling me, or talking to me…you jumped in front of a truck and ended your life. You LEFT!!! You never said goodbye. You never said anything…you just left. Now you are gone and I can’t talk to you. We can’t become friends. You don’t know my babies. You don’t know me. I never trusted again. You hurt me.
The thing is…
I know I hurt you too. The time I didn’t call you because I was so angry, and even though I know you needed me…I stayed away for such a long time. I hurt you.
The time when I married him, and you only found out through pictures. I hurt you.
The time when I said all those awful things to you and screamed them at you over and over screaming awful things…I hurt you.
The time when you were there for me, when everyone else turned their back on me, and the minute they came back…I chose popularity over you. I hurt you.
It’s okay. I understand now. I had to go through there to get here! It was the only way. My road is the only road I can be on. This is it! I understand now. The pain, the turmoil, the sorrow, the happiness, the joy, …it is ALL who I am. EXACTLY who I am. And it is PERFECT! I forgive you. I hope you forgive me. There is much pain in the past…and much anxiety in the future, but right now, there is peace. So much peace in this moment. I love you. I really, really love you! I am at peace.